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Home Game/Killing Floor - Week 32

If you want to write on the topics for the week:

Intersubjectivity, Shibusa, rapture of the deep, captcha the flag, the bystander effect, Overwatch

But are not currently a contestant - this is the place for you!

Just link your entries here!

This is also the place for constructive criticism of those pieces.

If you submit at least one entry *and* give constructive criticism on someone else's piece OR just give constructive criticism on *two* different pieces - you are eligible to send me a vote to give a contestant immunity this week!

With the amount of contestants dwindling, that's a lot of power in your hands! So I hope you take advantage of it by participating!

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
xo_kizzy_xo
Jan. 9th, 2015 03:17 pm (UTC)
I'm the only one thus far?!?
talon
Jan. 13th, 2015 12:31 am (UTC)
Re: I'm the only one thus far?!?
Apparently little love for the killing floor this week, so I wanted to jump in and say a few words.

Crit on non-fiction pieces is a bit different than narrative, I think, because of the different structure. I think the goal is still to engage the readership (which is a terribly loose goal) but the specific ways to accomplish that are hard. Crit on meta is even harder, I think, so feel free to take heaps of salt with each comment and discard liberally.

Alright, diving in: I like the structure, a lot. Vignettes with jump cuts are an excellent way of presenting — these hold the attention, give a riff on a topic, and then you're off to the next one. They're short enough that the reader isn't 'oh where is this going', but long enough that the closing at the end has punch. Speaking of which, you have uniformly good closing lines — each vignette builds up well to the final line in each piece. Overall, the structure also works itself out, in a 'intro/here's a thought/rebuttal/conclusion' way, that the jumps aren't completely disconnected.

Going deeper: I think the kid-run-over opening is a bit weird in tone — it takes about what bystanding isn't, but goes into a bit more detail than I think necessary. As the opener, it sort of sets the scene for the piece, and it's given a bit more weight, visually and descriptively, than the rest of the piece — which is nothing like that part. I think the second section's pacing/structure is a bit weird. It goes from reality-show-description to i-like-commenting to i-know what-not-to-do... to a 'what if everyone is a bystander!' line that is a bit odd. I think it works, it's just not led into because it goes from what you like/think about/benefit from to a more global everyone without really leading there. Section three could probably use fewer caps. Emphasis is good but eventually it just gets to be OVER THE TOP SHOUTING and your writing is strong enough that you can read the emphasis without the caps, I think. Otherwise, it's a great vignette. The ending is fine — good parallel structure from the top, each line follows the previous one neatly, and it wraps up the piece. My only comment here would be that I think you can shorten the last line to just 'fall in love with your own life' — it's strongest without the rest.

Meta is hard, and I think you do a fine job with it. My nitpicks are mostly just small things for what I think would make it more efficacious, but as I said before, are by no means authoritative. I hope this helps!
xo_kizzy_xo
Jan. 14th, 2015 02:14 am (UTC)
Re: I'm the only one thus far?!?
LOL, thank you so much for reading/commenting! I knew it'd get lost in the shuffle, but I saw the prompt and made a grab for it :)

I think I went through at least 3 drafts before posting this one. It's ironic you mentioned the first example of the bystanding -- that was the the section which gave me the most trouble in terms of flow/continuity. It had originally been 2-3 paragraphs' worth of description/reaction which probably could have illustrated the prompt nicely but it wasn't all I wanted to write (the fact that I can still see the scene in my head probably doesn't help -- it happened not 50 feet from my front door).

You picked up on my other niggly bit with the second section. I wasn't sure how to illustrate what I intended. I was thinking watching a reality show vs. being on a reality show and how we, as viewers, learn how not to "act" should we find ourselves as contestants on such a show...does that make sense? OTOH it's the way contestants "act" on such shows which makes us watch so...does that mean we all become bystanders, in a sense? (see, I'm probably not explaining it any better now, but maybe it's a bit clearer what I was trying to get at).

I sometimes do get carried away with emphasis. I probably need to dial that back a bit :)

Please, it's not nitpicking. That's what concrit is partly for -- as you said, it's the small things which can make a piece more efficacious. I appreciate it and I'm pleasantly surprised you took the time because I was not expecting it :)

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