clauderainsrm (clauderainsrm) wrote in therealljidol,


I've spent a few hours watching Survivor: Marquesas. I would say "deep in thought" but that was more going on in the background while I watched the episodes.

When we finished with one disc, I went to the bookcase with the sliding cabinet to get out the next one. The door was stuck. My head was pounding from the migraine I've had for the last day or so, and it was just so frustrating...

So I pulled on it and it came off the track!

I kept trying to put it back on, and it just wouldn't go. I just kept getting more and more frustrated by the situation. I couldn't get it back on, but I couldn't just let it sit there.

So I stepped away for a few minutes, got myself from Advil, and just allowed myself to think through the situation.

I had lost control and fucked things up by acting rashly. It's not something that happens very often. But it does happen.

It doesn't make it right or excusable.

But it's something that I try to acknowledge in other people, and so every once in awhile I need to remind myself to extend that to myself as well. Sometimes we have bad days and do stupid shit. The best we can do is try to fix the situation and not topple the whole damn bookcase over or break anything in the process.

Had I not stopped and taken that breather, and got something for the migraine, things would have gotten much worse before they got better. Because that's what happens when you respond to things without actually stopping to process.

After a little while, my head was calmer, and I realized that I needed to remove everything from the bottom shelf of the bookcase. So that's what I did.

I moved it all to the table and worked to carefully move the sliding door into position, lifting gently on the bottom of the shelf to get enough room for it to get back into place.

Eventually, it got there.

That's kind of what happened last night as well. I saw something that pissed me off - and instead of doing what I usually do, take a few minutes and collect my thoughts and respond to it or just ignore it... I tore the whole damn door off the track by deleting the comments.

I can say "I was in a really bad head space". I can say "the migraine was really bad". Heck, I could point to whatever position the moon happens to be in (not really sure actually) but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.

Not one bit.

I fucked up.

I shouldn't have deleted the comments. It's not what I do.

It's not what I have done in the past. It's not anything that I could see myself doing in the future. Heck, it's not something that if you asked me the day before, "would you do that?" that I would have said "Yes, I would".

But I did.

I fucked up and pulled the entire door out of the track.

The question being "How am I going to put it back where it belongs?"

That's not as easy as moving some stuff off a shelf.

I can start though with an apology.

First, and in my mind, foremost, to Idol itself and everyone involved with it. You deserve better. I shouldn't have let my feeling "thin-skinned" at a moment impact my decision making abilities like that.

Regardless of circumstances. I just *should not* have done it. I fucked up royally and I promise that this is a mistake that I am going to be carrying and doing my best to never allow myself to get anywhere close to making again.

There ARE conversations that need to be deleted. There ARE times when I need to step in and just squash things.

This WAS NOT one of those times.

You shouldn't have to deal with this in Idol. You just shouldn't, and I'm sorry that my bad mood and idiotic actions ended up making you have to deal with it here.

Specifically to kathrynrose and xo_kizzy_xo (also to gratefuladdict and n3m3sis43, although I don't recall you being in the thread or what you said)
If there is someone that I am not remembering - please insert your name here.

I shouldn't have deleted the thread.

You have the right to your opinion and to express it
. You should feel free to do so. Not looking over your shoulder. I hope that once the dust eventually settles, and the sliding door is in place once again, you will be able to get to a place where you feel comfortable doing that again.

Given how long we've known each other - I've never known "feeling free to speak your mind" to be much of a problem. ;) Hopefully that will continue to be the case, it keeps me on my toes!

I let you down.

I let myself down.

I let Idol down.

I can't restore the posts. But I can restore the commitment to a free and open discussion.

Starting with

I fucked up. I'm really sorry. Hopefully I can fix this.

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